It's early... very early. 3am always seems to hit when you least expect it to. Sleep is like a freeway of time, I get on when I go to bed, and then I take the exit ramp in the morning and resume time in the normal way. Sometimes though I end up taking a wrong turn and wander around the suburbs of "normal time" by being awake at 3am. The rest of the world freeways through time in their sleep and here I am trying to find my way back.

As I was trying to find my way back to sleep I was catching up on some of the internet I have missed due to working. John Acuff over at the blog Stuff Christians Like posted a brief little snippet from his father's blog about faith.

His father said, "I don't want a life that requires much faith." (See blog(s) for context)

The general gist of the idea is that the natural state of people is to want security, and when you are secure in something it doesn't require you to have faith in God.

I've been kind of thinking around this idea myself ever since I've had cancer. I sometimes wonder if life would be so much easier without God. If I could simply live in one place, raise a family quietly, you know the "American Dream" thing. But then I get to thinking about it, do I really want to live like everyone else? Do I want to "live quietly"? Do I want to accept "normal"?

At the tough times yes. I do look yernfully at the supposed "peace" that other people have in normalcy. But you know what? That is one of the great things about faith. God is going to use me, put me in places I don't want to be. Grow me, stretch me, push me to do things I would never "normally" do. And He's going to give me His peace while I am there.

It's going to seem like craziness to the world when you are doing something that requires you leave "normal" behind and do what God has asked you to do, but that is where faith comes in. While I might at times want a life that doesn't require faith, I also don't want a life without God. God will take you and I much further in life than we ever even dreamed was possible, and that takes faith. And that creates an amazing story that God will use.

"...so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen."
-Ephesians 3:17-21 (ESV)

Labels: God, praise, Testimony

I've been thinking over the past week about getting a Tattoo that says, "It is well with my Soul". Not too big and not somewhere where anyone would see it much, but I think the thought process here is to offset the tattoos I do have and what they stand for with something else that is just as permanent reminder to me of the victory God has won for me.

I'll sit on this for a long time before I was to ever do something about this... I just thought your Thursday was a little quiet was all.

~B.

Labels: Testimony

Today is the final installment of Lisa's testimony. For future reference part 1 and part 2 can also be read.

Thanks to Lisa for opening up and sharing. I appreciate it, and I know that reading her testimony has helped me to know her a little bit better. I hope that in comparing my testimony and hers you can see how God has brought us together and given us different talents and abilities to compliment each other.

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My final year of college was the busiest of my life. Remembering how little sleep I got and how I even have to do homework on many Friday nights is still painful. So it’s not too surprising that I didn’t spend much time reading the Bible or praying, or that because of that I felt very distant from God for months after graduation. I still don’t know how I could have found more time to spend with God that year, but I believe that God would have taken care of me if I had made it a priority. I regret not doing that. Repairs were made slowly. I did not trust myself to be faithful in spending time with God, so I was wary of trusting Him and had lost of the art of pouring out my heart to Him. Having no time to spare also left me very self-centered in my goals.

Since I’m a Baptist I don’t usually practice Lent, but a year ago I decided to pray ten minutes a day during the Lent season. The difference to everything ten minutes made was astonishing. God showed me how much he cared about the people I worried over, how he had them in his hands, how wondrous his creation and his love for me were. Going through the book “31 days of Praise” also revived my spirit enormously, turning my prayers about day to day concerns to joy over the many blessings God has given me. God has also used the type of enthusiastic friends who proclaim that God is working in everything to remind my tired spirit that my strength will come from the Lord and for a purpose.

Then came the sort of trial many of people have told us they could never face: Ben’s cancer. Of course, we would have said that too. But we didn’t have a choice. Again, I was very busy, working full-time while being Ben’s caretaker and I didn’t have much time or energy to think. There was a great number, innumerable by us, who supported us through prayers, letters, and in materially practical ways as well. Friends almost pleaded with us to let them bring us meals, to clean, to sit with Ben. I certainly didn’t feel worthy of all this help (it was humbling!) but we took it and saw that we were allowing our friends to serve Christ by serving us. Why did God target us for so much help? I certainly would have had to quit my job without it, and then we would probably be in a fair amount of debt and very lonely. He gave us a huge trial, but surrounded it in blessings we would never have experienced otherwise.

Now I have a sympathy for the sick and those who take care of the sick and am confident to approach them, knowing that they may want to talk or they may just need dinner, but that I can and should help them. Our friends and family made sacrifices for us that showed us so much love. Another issue I struggled with over the year was prayer: should I be encouraged to hear that another person I don’t know is praying for us? Does it increase our case to God? I don’t know the answer to that, but we did learn that prayer bonds together God’s family, through solidarity in hardship and rejoicing when prayers are answered Yes. Prayer changes our perspective correctively and makes us dependent on God. So yes, I should be encouraged that so many people are obedient to God when he places us on their hearts.

After Ben was recovering from his cancer treatments, we looked for a ministry to be involved with at church. Because of my personal growth in high school and experiences with teaching since then, I’ve had a desire to join the youth staff at church for years. High school is a turning point in so many people’s lives. To my surprise, Ben was also interested, so we joined the youth staff last June. Now that we may leave I’m not sure what God’s purpose was in having us there for such a short time, but Donny the youth pastor says that God may have simply been turning us back towards ministry in general. I think this may be part of it.

It has come time to make another large decision which has given us and our acquired support group much prayer fodder. Since Seattle has been my home all my life, moving is frightening and exciting to me, like most new things. I trust that God has a plan for us and it may lead us from our home. Colorado Springs does seem like a wonderful place to be sent.

To be continued!

~B.

Labels: Testimony

This is part 2 of Lisa's testimony. If you missed it: part 1.

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It’s difficult to discuss, but I went through times of depression as a teenager. One friend in particular urged me to get help repeatedly which I’m very grateful for now. I never saw a professional counselor, but a wise youth leader gave me a revitalizing exercise. She had me make a list of all my negative thoughts. Then we went through the list together in light of the truth of God’s word. With a red pen, we crossed out words and phrases and wrote “Lie”. We studied 2 Corinthians 10:5 which says “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” Many of my thoughts were not obedient to Christ because at their root they were lies. Examining every thought can be exhausting, but it’s amazing how effective it is when the Bible is involved.

I was a counselor at a Christian camp the summer before college. The silly fun and fresh air was entirely to my taste. But mostly, teaching young women about the Bible was so rewarding. It was incredibly refreshing to ask direct questions about the camper’s relationship with God, to listen to their problems and joys and point them to the truths that would save them, that could make all the difference if the Holy Spirit would illuminate their hearts, and so often I watched as he did.

Since then, I’ve taught Bible studies off and on for various women’s groups. The boost to my personal study is a blessing, and the truth of God’s word to change lives has been demonstrated to me. I do get sidetracked from the type of important information that will really change people’s lives, but I’m so glad God has let me be involved in his plan in this way.

In college, I realized what a large percentage of my spiritual life came from the traditions and community of my church. Taken away from that, it was me and God in the wide world. I quickly realized, where else could I turn but to Him? There were many small choices to make and I celebrated my freedom but tried to honor God too. The sophomore and junior years of college were spent in a Christian sorority, where I acquired many stories. The fun was some of the best I’ve ever had. The community was sometimes a challenge, but to my surprise some of the women I never would have picked for friends I came to love as a valuable part of our body.

Some of the times I have most heavily depended on God was when there were important choices to be made. As a teenager I had thought dating was pointless unless one wished to consider marriage. So it happened that at age 20, Ben Morrell was the first man I seriously considered. The choice was difficult, since I was enjoying my life as a single woman and was seriously frightened by all the unknowns in a romantic relationship. But I prayed and journal-ed and God said “Go.”

He has re-affirmed this choice and the choice to marry Ben in so many ways since then. He was shown me that although being single has its benefits in service to Him, his plan for Ben and I was to refine each other by making our selfish ways very apparent, by teaching us daily forgiveness and giving us mundane and very real ways to serve each other. Our love and happiness with each other has grown. God also knew that we would need to depend on each other in the years ahead.

To be continued...

~B.

Labels: Testimony

As I promised last week, you all will now have the chance to see Lisa's testimony now as well. It's in 3 parts and they'll be posted one each day. Thanks to Lisa for letting me share this!

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Looking back, I can see now that God drew me steadily towards him from an early age. What a blessing! At age 4, a song in pre-school convinced me to pray the salvation prayer. It would be years before a relationship with God and thus any spiritual fruit appeared in my life, but I was being prepared for that. My parents and church taught me about the Christian faith and I spoke words and sang songs that I couldn’t conceive the meaning of.

At age 9 I was baptized. I can’t remember why; none of my friends were baptized until they were in the youth program and I don’t remember it being a spiritual experience. However, I did obey most authorities and I’m sure I was taught that Christians are commanded to be baptized. My testimony was very short during the service and the pastor had to lift me to the microphone. I don’t think I included my successful conversion story; that my sister Kate and I told our younger sister Cheryl that we were going to heaven. She would go to hell… unless she became a Christian too. Fortunately, this actually worked and Cheryl is a strong believer today who teases us about our lack of sensitivity then.

When I went to my first junior high summer camp, God revealed himself to me. Suddenly there was color and depth to his character and I knew that he loved me and I just wanted to spend hours and hours in prayer. I’ve learned since then that at age 12 the brain can begin to think in the abstract, and God took full advantage of this development in me. Unfortunately, the rest of junior high was mainly unpleasant. I disliked and pitied myself and never truly surrendered to God. At school I was painfully shy and at home I became more and more stubborn and disobedient with my parents. I desired God and loved the time we spent together but would not trust him enough to obey him.

I believe at age 15 I truly became a follower of Christ. I met students a couple of years older than myself who lived purposefully, passionately, confidently and joyfully and I wanted to be like them. The difference was that they took God’s commands seriously. God taught me so much that year. He taught me to forgive, because our sins have been completely paid for. He taught me that I desperately needed forgiveness from him, and to humble myself by asking forgiveness from others. He taught me that he could save me from traps our fallen thinking leads us into. And he taught me that people really do need Jesus, not just for the difference between heaven and hell but to function everyday and to mend our broken relationships.

This led me to witness to a good amount of friends, something that goes against my people-pleasing nature and is certainly not a spiritual gift of mine. But God was using me for his purposes and high school is an easy place to find hurting, lost people who will discuss their beliefs with you. After awhile I became discouraged because no one was “saved” and by the time I went to college I witnessed far less frequently. I still pray for the courage and purpose of that younger self, but on the other hand now I dispense truth with more compassion and certainly listen more.

To be continued...

~B.

Labels: Testimony

Today concludes the testimony series. Thanks to everyone for the feedback on this series. In case you missed it Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4 can be found at those links.

My interview is Monday afternoon with OC. I'd appreciate the prayers!

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God was (and is) my rock in the storm. I also learned what it was like to be on the receiving end of people’s love and support when we needed it. Through meals, notes and people coming by to stay with me I learned about how God can take care of His people through His people. I now have a better idea of how to help people that have medical issues like I did. One of the many reasons why God gave me this issue was to experience what it was like to need other people more. I have a tendency towards doing things by myself and not looking to others for help. In this case Lisa and I eagerly sought others help and we learned to see God in almost every situation where people brought food or came by for a visit.

After about a month of recovery from surgery I started radiation therapy. The point of this was to kill little cancer cells that might have been missed in the surgery or not been completely killed by the chemo. I went into radiation two times a day for almost six weeks. Radiation started out just fine and it quickly wasted me of any extra energy I had. I don’t know if the radiation was successful, but the only lingering reminder I have of it are three tattoos. A dot on my left, a dot on my right and a dot in the middle of my abdomen they used to line up the radiation.

At the end of all this it’s not easy to look back to a time when I was so completely weak and sickly. That is something God had ordained for me to go through though. It’s not something I ever want to do again, but if God has that for me then I will earnestly try and seek His glory in my cancer story.

As of this moment I am in remission, and there is not a day that goes by that I’m not reminded by my scars of what I have been through and I thank God for being on this side of it all. He answered a lot of prayers to bring me through to where I am today.

Before my experience with cancer I think I would have thought about sort-term missions as an option for myself, but I don’t think I would have considered full time application to a missions organization. I had felt a calling to non-profit organizations before, but none that required me to move away from the Seattle area.

I am currently considered and seeking the job with OC in Colorado Springs because I really came to realize this past year that my life is not my own. Especially after surviving what I have. I am here but for the grace of God, which leads me to believe He has some more things He wants me to do on this earth. I am seeking this job because I want to use the skills that God has given me to further his kingdom and to help support those who have been called to use their skills (language and/or people skills) to further His kingdom as well.

That is my story thus far. If it involved a move to Colorado Springs, than I’ll be eager to see what God has for Lisa and I there. If our journey is to lead elsewhere then I eagerly look forward to seeing what God has for me here. There seems to be enough ways that Lisa and I can further His kingdom together weather that is here (Seattle) or there (Colorado Springs) or… somewhere else.

To be continued!

~B.

Labels: Testimony

My testimony continues today. You can read Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 if you missed them.
Some other news before we get started: I have a formal interview with OC on Monday at noon. (And I am having my wisdom teeth taken out Thursday next week... (I am looking forward to that actually.)) Lisa and I would appreciate your prayers.

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In the Spring of 2007 God really took my world and shook it up. In April I had some back pains and went to the doctor to see what was wrong. After some testing and poking around the doctor suggested we do an abdominal ultrasound. The ultrasound turned up some strange masses in my abdomen, so a few hours later a CT scan was done, and a day later I was scheduled for a biopsy. After the biopsy I was referred to an oncologist. I was told I had cancer but they didn’t know what type yet. It was an agonizing week as we waited to hear back from the tests that they were running on the sample.

It was a horrible week of waiting and asking God for peace and crying out to Him to know what it is He wanted from me. A week after the biopsy we were sitting in the oncologist’s office when he told me I had desmoplastic small round cell tumors in my abdomen. It is a rare aggressive cancer that is typically caught when it is too late to do anything. The fact that they had found it at all was practically a miracle. I was told I had a 17% chance of living. I had the weekend to get things together and I started chemo the next Tuesday.

I went through 7 rounds of “continual infusion” chemo. I spent four to six days in the hospital as they pumped poison into my body attempting to kill the cancer. I would start the round with a week of infusions and then go home for a week, then my immune system would crash and I would go back to the hospital and after about a week in the hospital I would go home for a week, and then go through the whole process again. I whiled away the summer of 2007 this way and finally wrapped up the last round of chemo in October. At that point I met with a surgeon at the University of Washington who was going to operate on me. He again reiterated my odds of survival and told me everything that could, and probably would, go wrong.

During this time in the hospital and home I didn’t work at all and was greatly touched by the support of family and friends. I was getting shots twice a day to boost my white-blood cell count and my mother-in-law as well as some other people stepped in to help with those. People also stepped in to help provide meals for Lisa and I as she was trying to continue working full time and take care of me as well.

At the end of November I went into the UW Medical center for surgery. Six and a half hours of surgery guided by the hand of God. The surgeon took out a big tumor the size of a baseball, and lots of little tumors. The surgeon was thinking he was going to have to take parts of my liver out and possible some of my bladder as well. He was talking about having to shorten my intestines too. When I woke up I asked what the damage was. Turns out the only organ he removed was my appendix, which was a much, much better than he expected. Now the “only” thing I have to show from the event is a nine-inch scar that runs down the front of my abdomen.

I don’t know that I will ever really know how much God was in everything that happened to me during the first two steps of cancer, but some of the things I learned was about the peace of God. Even when my life is completely falling apart around me God was (and is) my rock in the storm. I also learned what it was like to be on the receiving end of people’s love and support when we needed it. Through meals, notes and people coming by to stay with me I learned about how God can take care of His people through His people. I know have a better idea of how to help people that have medical issues like I did. One of the many reasons why God gave me this issue was to experience what it was like to need other people more. I have a tendency towards doing things by myself and not looking to others for help. In this case Lisa and I eagerly sought others help and we learned to see God in almost every situation where people brought food or came by for a visit.

To be continued...

~B.

Labels: Testimony

The testimony continues today. If you missed Part 1 and Part 2 they are also available.

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In the summer of 2001, while in college, I signed up to go on a mission trip to Russia with my college group. We taught English at a summer camp thrown by a sister church in the middle of Russia. That trip really taught me a lot about what people my own age were doing in another country. Both as Christians and Non-Christians. My amazement that God can work in any language continued to be reinforced at this point. I also learned a lot about being flexible in a place where I don’t know anything and how I lean on God in situations like that.

Two weeks after the Russia trip I boarded a plane with a staff member friend from high school and we went to Spain for 2 weeks on a short-term mission to teach some basic computer skills at a camp in Toral, Spain. Being as it was just the two of us it was really the first time I had to plan and teach someone something in a different language. (We had an interpreter) God really spoke to me about the love that all Christians have for one another no matter what language they speak or where they live during this trip. The Spanish staff at the camp were very welcoming and while we didn’t always communicate so well on the same level we had a good time and served God together.

The next experience I had with missions was in 2004 when I volunteered at OC the August before I went to Seattle Pacific University. During this time I learned a lot about what goes into making a mission run “back home”. From both the “people” side of things as well as the technical side of things. It was a good time to see what it was that God was doing through a missions organization and what I could do to help.

After that trip I went home and started school. Lisa and I got married and got involved in a Sunday school class and joined a small group and made friends. We planned events for the class and kept up with missionaries we knew, and places that we had visited on missions trips. Since OC however we haven’t been involved in missions other than financial donations.

Lisa and I were married on July 16th 2005. Marriage to my best friend in the world, and living so close to someone you didn’t grow up with, has been an amazing experience and possibly the third biggest effect on my life. God has taught me patience, peace, love and has extended what I understood of flexibility. He has also taught me a lot about myself through the reflection of myself I see through my wife. It’s easy to overlook the ugly parts of your life when no one is there to show you what they look like. I can always trust Lisa to be God’s instrument of reflection in my life to show me the things I need to fix and make better. I cannot imagine living with anyone else and in looking back from where I am now I cannot imagine making it to where I am today without my great friend who shows me God’s love on a daily basis.

To be continued...

~B.

Labels: Testimony

Today continues my Testimony. You can read Part 1 if you missed it. (BTW: This is my 1500th post... rather appropriate topic I think for such a milestone)

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At church in high school I went on three mission trips that covered a good part of the western states. From Washington we traveled to Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, Utah, Oregon, California, Arizona and New Mexico. Our primary purpose on most of the trips was to support a Native American Christian Conference by running Vacation Bible Schools for the kids while the parents were busy in the conference. I learned a lot about different kinds of service, patience, and flexibility on those trips. My youth leader at the time, Glen Schaumloeffel, really was an excellent example of a Godly man in my life at that time. From his example I learned a lot about leadership, flexibility, and being a good husband. (Not that I needed to use the last part in high school…)

In my High School I was learning a lot about who I was more and more as a person at the same time I was learning about who I was in serving God at church. I got involved in drama and eventually joined the select drama troupe at the high school. King’s Players had a mission to do drama in the school and to also spread the love of God to people around the world via a 45-minute pantomime set to music that presented the gospel. The years I was on the team we went to Slovakia and Italy. This was first international experience with Christian believers and the thing that still amazes me about God is that you don’t have to speak in any special language for God to understand you. Hymns sung in Slovak are still heard and understood by Him as much as the songs I sing every Sunday. It was at that time that I came to realize that God is much bigger than I think He is.

It was during my second mission trip in high school with church that I came upon an idea as an “ideal” job for myself. My ideal of a dream job would be to do computer support for missionaries all over the globe.

After high school with my national and international missions experience I attended two Urbana missions conferences. It was interesting to see so many missionaries in one place and to have so many Christians worshiping in one place. It was also a kind of strange way to see God’s provision for my life as on the first trip there I hadn’t really planned on going until the very last minute and had no place to stay, food, or plan. God provided however and I learned about His provision and missions at the same time.

The first part of college was a kind of rough time for me because a lot of my friends went off to college and universities and I stayed at home and did Community College. During this time I learned to work through issues of loneliness. I came to understand more about myself when I am alone, and to not fear being alone.

I went through community college and worked at the same time, this really taught me a lot about time management and balancing what I thought was important with what other people were telling me was important. (church and the world) During this time I threw myself into some church activities as well and joined the college worship band. Truly there is something great about leading worship with a group of other people in harmony for the Lord. The previous leader and piano player were to be married and I was asked to step in and lead the group. At this point I needed a piano player and picked a young lady who was looking to get more involved at church as well. That young lady and I ended up dating and she is now my wife.

To be continued...

~B.

Labels: Testimony

The job I am applying for has asked for a testimony, along with various other things, and I felt like putting almost 5 hours into the document would be a waste of time if no one else got to see it. So for the next 5 days I will be posting a page of my story every day. Keep in mind this is only like 2nd draft and I was more worried about content than I was about style. Should I feel the need to punch it into something more "worked out" I will go back over it, add a little more and focus it's style a bit. I'm fairly use to being "open" on this site, I just want you know know that this is being the most "open" I have ever been, however I feel like it's something I should share.

Dear readers, I now present to you, "Tripping over the Phone: The Ben Morrell story. (Thus Far)" enjoy. (Also note that I wrote it from a "how has God been leading you to missions, angle.)

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There is a saying in screen writing that goes something like this: If you want to use a telephone later in the movie for something important have the main character trip over the chord in the first act. In a lot of ways I think that God has had me “tripping over the phone” in regards to missions for a good part of my life and looking back now I can see that more clearly. Let me elaborate:

My personal experience with God started when I was very young. In fact, I have been going to church with my parents since before I can remember. It seemed to me that my parents were always involved in church and there were a lot of time where I was at church after church, between church, and often before church. God blessed me with parents who were interested not only in their own spiritual lives, but also that of their children. Which is why when I was in “Sparks” (part of the Awana program) I asked Jesus to come into my heart and be my savior.

The next major change to my life came when I was 9 years old, in 3rd grade, and my Father decided that Washington would be a better place to raise his family than that of Southern California. So, we moved. I remember thinking at the time that it seemed like my whole (little) world had come to an end and I thought to myself that I would move back to LA the first chance I got. (Newsflash: 17 years later I’m still in Seattle.) I grew up in Bothell and quickly became used to the Seattle area and finally (a year later) couldn’t even imagine going back to California for almost any reason. I personally believe that this is the second biggest thing that happened to me in my life to create such a change. God guided and shaped my life, both the spiritual and the physical in that action by my parents.

The first time that I realized that “normal” people do missions was when my parents volunteered in 1994 to go to Spain and teach a group of missionaries there how to make their lives easier by using a fairly new technology called email.

My personal relationship with God really took a step forward in Jr. High School at church when I first went on a mission trip because a girl I was interested in was going as well. It was a trip to a camp in Montana to do service projects around the camp. It was an exposure to serving others for God. This was the first time that God really grabbed me and showed me a little bit about what it was like to help others and to serve Him. That experience in 8th grade really set the pace for my High school years.

In High School I started going to a private Christian school. (Due to some bad experiences in public Jr. High) At church I had a small cluster of friends who I would do things with and we would often serve together. Through this I learned that service wasn’t something that you have to do alone, but often times service in groups is not only more effective but also fun at the same time. There is a goal to overcome, and it might not be easy, but with many people involved in the process it becomes more enjoyable and you learn more about the other people as well.

To be continued...

~B.

Labels: Testimony